Worries

Life’s surprises!

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Life is always filled with magic’s and surprises as we used to read in fairy tales. Be it a positive or a negative turn, it takes us by surprise on every single turn. Life is relentlessly unpredictable.

There were times when people used to say some things to me like:

“Don’t you even know how to address someone in English? Shame on you being a Josephite”

“What are you reading? Study your academics. These fairy tales wouldn’t feed you in future”

“What are you scribbling all over your notebook? Do you really call them poems huh? What a waste of time. Do something worthy instead”

“Getting education in a convent is not just enough. You must learn to read, write and speak in English fluently. Hope your mother is wasting money on you”

“Hey, what do you know about a computer? Do not touch it. Just watch me work”

“Why the hell are you wasting money over such useless things? Who’s gonna see all these things you do? Just clear the room and don’t dare to spend money over such things again”

“Ahh… Don’t take your Digi cam. It irritates us to see you roll over the road clicking pictures random”

I was not an intelligent student during my school days and let’s say it even now. Being an average student in my academics, I have various other interests from my childhood such as reading, writing, crafting and photographing. But things just don’t go well with a girl growing from a small town where grades are the only identity of an individual during his/her school days. And obviously I was such a loser in boosting my identity among my society. Seeing my mother worried about my so-called identity aspect among the neighbors and relatives, I have to get back onto the track running for grades and on its way I was forced to leave behind my interests and passion.

As I have mentioned earlier, Life is always filled with magic’s and surprises and also life is unpredictable. I do realize it and am actually experiencing it for the past few years. After completing my MBA, I began working as a Content Writer which actually an unexpected career given by my organization with their confidence on my writing skills. That was when I discovered that I still have the ability to write and someone actually like what I write and thus started developing my interest in writing.

Being a Customer Relationship Coordinator as well, I had to speak with clients from domestic and international, which is where I found I don’t actually suck communicating in English.

I was also asked to write hundreds of business E-Mails for the same person who said me not to touch the computer as I was bullied of not knowing even how to switch on the monitor. And now, I have been asked for help with all kind of technological gadgets for them.

Seeing me do some good craft works even made my mother say that am not actually wasting money over those things.

And finally, I am being positively commented for my photographs by the same people and the best part is though am just a beginner in photography, there are people who ask me for suggestions and tips which leaves me bewildered.

As far as I am concerned, I might not be an expert on all the above things, but still am not a dumb-ass just like the others portrayed me on their minds earlier. I may not be successful in choosing a better career that offers me lakhs but still I love what am doing and I would continue learning and developing my interests into an enduring passion.

I simply think, my passion for these things make me feel lively and evident in this planet.

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Solitude

I was heavily drenched with sweat all over my body when i woke up. It was unusal of me getting dreams and on recent days am getting encountered with nightmares. Not knowing the exact reason, of the entirely different place am staying that creeps me out during night making me feel like am trying to sleep in the middle of a forest which is filled with weird noises from various insects whose names are even not able to be identified by me by keeping me awake most of the time or the issues that am dealing in my life in the recent days that affects both my physical and mental well-being, i was lying there wide awake trying to recall the sequence of the nightmare that i was living in before few minutes. I failed in remembering asusual.

Washing away the unwanted thoughts aside, i began getting ready for college. I don’t find going to college interesting these days. I prefer staying at home and moreover i prefer staying alone at home instead of roaming around the college alone where once i used to have happier days with my so called friends. But time changes and so do people. I’ve changed a lot since the past few weeks.

Am not used to go out for shopping alone but i have discovered that in times of despair shopping that too shopping all alone by myself makes me feel good by giving me the confidence that i could atleast be able to do something on my own for my own self.

And the most difficult thing which i haven’t even given a single thought of doing all these years has taught me that its not that hard doing it. It’s going to the college cafeteria or some restaurant alone to fill my hungrystomach. In the beginning it was too hard even to chew the food and thus i forced myself in swallowing it. But as days passed by i found there’s no big offense in taking time to chew the food trying to enjoy the simple taste and aroma of it and also watching the people around you and not minding the unusual stares of some known people who doesn’t have a clue of me being alone.

I have recently completed reading “The Forty Rules of Love” by Elif Shafak. I took hardly around 3 full months to complete this book. Not because i was not interested in this book or its contents but i was not having concentration in whatever i do and thus it kept me dragging and atlast i have completed the book last week. I am thankful to my friend who insisted me to read this book. If it has not been insisted, i might have missed one of the biggest fortune in my life.

Yeah. This book is actually a fortune for a person like me who is easily broken with every single downfall that life offers. But once with the completion of the book i was spellbound and i was able to associate myself and the various situations of my life with the Forty Rules that is given by Shams of Tabriz. With my current situation i would like to associate myself with the sixth rule of Shams.

“Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you”

The slightest changes of my life happens whenever i read each inspiring book. With this book and with the rules of shams i have been trying to keep myself in solitude instead of being merely lonely. And eventually according to Shams its better to find a person who will be your mirror, i guess i haven’t found anyone yet who is like my mirror and also seeking such qualities in a person seems to be a lot easier said than done according to me. Who knows? Even this thought of me might get changed when i come accross such a person where i can truely see myself in his/her heart. For now, with a very few good, supporting and lovable people around me i’m trying to enjoy my solitude instead of frowning over the unpleasant happenings with the people i loved.

I would like to end up this post with Shams seventh rule.

“Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied”

Though am not a Sufi i could simply be thankful as a human being. And thanks to Elif Shafak for giving out such an excellent work which inspires people like me to get to know the legends like Rumi and Shams and learning a lot by travelling along their path.

Happy solitude!!!

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HAKUNA MATATA!!!

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HAKUNA MATATA means NO WORRIES…

I use this phrase very often in my life when I still knew that there is no life without worries…

Every person has to live their life irrespective of whatever happens in their life…

When I used to be a child I don’t think I would have any worries… But when I think deep I could realize that I too was worried about various instances like losing my pencil, crying for a Barbie doll, starting up silly fights with our friends etc.,But these worries make us smile whenever we think about it.. If all our worries could make us smile one day which makes us to cherish our memories how pleasant it would be…

Though we think of having such sweet memories of worries we still have some painful worries which will turn out to be haunting memories when we recollect them… I have one such worry which still stays the same or even gets increased whenever I think of it… I was in my 6th grade… I was in my first day of class when my new class teacher introduced herself and asked each and every student in the class to get introduced with basic information’s. All my friends were saying about their name, their parents name, what is their parents occupation and where they are coming from. When it was my turn I just started off with my name, my mom’s name, my uncles name, what my mom is doing, what my uncle is doing that’s when the teacher stopped me and said,

“Child, you must also include your father’s name and occupation so that we could get to know him too”

I was really puzzled like what I have to say and how to say because all I knew about a father is that his name and that I don’t have one.

“Miss, I don’t have father, I dono where he is because my mother said he expired. I only know my uncle, my mother, grandmother and aunt” I said.

I think the teacher understood what I was trying to say, so she passed on to the next student without any further questions. But I was not able to let it go off so easily. Till my 5th grade none of my teachers used to ask me anything about my father and so I had no chance of thinking about him. And when my friends speak about their father I always remember speaking about my uncle. As I had my uncle I didn’t worry much about not having a father. But then I understood that I am a grownup girl and I have to get to know about my father. Since then I was trying to investigate about my father at my home every now and then by asking about my father to my grandma who only speaks about him to me as the others never speak off him thinking I would start yearning for his love. Though I asked many questions to my grandma she answered only a few which was not enough for me.

“Grandma, where is my dad?”

“He is in heaven baby”

Why he went there?”

“Because God wanted him to be with him so he took him”

“But we also want dad na? I always find my friend’s father’s dropping them at school, buying them all they need. But only uncle or mom drops me or buy me what I need. I also want dad to buy and give me toys na? God doesn’t have his own dad huh?”

“No dear. A good person always goes soon to God to serve him. Whatever you need you just ask us because your father left you with us to do all the things he needs to do”

“Will my dad look like Lord Ganesha?”

“No dear. But you can always find you dad’s presence near Lord Ganesha”

Though I have seen my parent’s wedding album after my 10th grade I used to think of him every single time when I pray Lord Ganesha. I felt happy and even proud that only my dad got the chance to stay near God while others dad where not able to go and I haven’t said this to anyone though.

We find our self more innocent in our childhood days once when we grow up. What once we thought of a gift turns out to be a terrible pain by hitting us with the reality harder than we think.

When I was growing I slowly realized that I was a girl who’s father expired 3 months before her birth by getting all kinds of curse’s from the merciless world for being born with her father killed. Every relative I knew knowingly or unknowingly blamed me for my father’s death which made me think me as a murderer. At this time I also lost my grandma who used to speak with me about my father. I had no courage to go and ask my mother about this thinking she would be worried.

But an incident before few days made me heart-breaking. My dad’s big brother fell sick and expired due to unhealthy diet. When I went for the funeral every single person who came there saw me and expressed their grief in the same manner saying “You lost your father before your birth. But how unlucky, you lost your uncle too now”… The truth is my uncle doesn’t even care about me or my mother till his death which I was surprised to find not even a single person could understand.

Above all my aunt (my passed away uncle’s wife) started crying when she saw me saying “you killed your father and now see you have also killed your uncle. What is my family going to do without your uncle?”

I was into a great shock. How on earth could I be the reason for killing my dad and my uncle? My dad met with an accident unfortunately and my uncle had very bad eating habits which was the real reasons. But still I had to take the blame of killing two people in my family which makes me feel real bad.

When such things have to happen in our life only then we are not able to digest the phrase “HAKUNA MATATA” because though we think of not letting any worries stay in our mind or letting the worries go off there are some worries which creates a painful memory in our heart making us remember these moments or worries every single minute of our life.

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But still I try to get out of these by uttering this phrase very often. And it is my wallpaper in my mobile and lap too with a hope off making my worries into NO WORRIES…

HAKUNA MATATA!!!