Loneliness

Celebrating the silver jubilee of my birthday!

Hiya guys!

You could have guessed what this post is all about.  Yes. It’s just 6 more days to go for me to turn 26years. So it’s a post for summarizing the whole 25 years of my life on this earth.

Just before few hours I received a text from a friend of mine telling me to treat him for I am going to celebrate the successful completion of my 25 years.  Haha yeah I should actually do that by throwing a party but I don’t know what could I probably choose to tell as a reason for celebration.

Should I say that I have achieved something?  Nah. That would be a big fat lie.
Or should I say that I have at least made something remarkable for someone to remember me? Hmm yeah maybe.  But I bet that’s not gonna be in a positive way either.

So that is what hinders me from celebrating my birthdays be it 25th or whatever.  But after thinking over these I started making a list of the have’s and have not’s of mine after all these successful 25years. Let me just list down those for you 🙂

HAVE’S:

1. I do have few people around me who I think really cares about me at least to say “I Love You” whether they really mean it or not.

2. I now have a life of my own to decide upon like how am going to live.

3. I have some courage to face the problems however tougher it maybe by still surviving.

4. I have a DSLR, which is keeping me feel lively with its help in making me take better pictures and to make people notice me.

5. I have a big deal of confidence that am not gonna die sooner leaving me no choice than to make my living with some career which I haven’t chosen yet.

6. I have few books which makes me think and make few changes to my thoughts about everything in and around me. I learn something from each book I read and the question is do I follow it. But for that I’ll have to write another post which can be done later 😉

7. I do have a passion for crafting and writing which is yet to be improvised a lot.

So as far my analysis I have o ly these 7 important things in my life.  So let’s look for the have not’s.

HAVE NOT’S:

1. I don’t have my father with me which is my biggest loss of my life and am still working on it to set everything right without his help, but the truth hits hard sometimes by proving that I need help from my father.  But lets never mind because that’s not gonna happen anyhow.

2. I don’t have a guide to lead me, which is why I go wrong making mistakes over and over all my life.

3. I don’t have a good rapport with the people who actually love’s me. Somehow I mess things up, though how hard I try to retain a relationship I end up breaking it myself. I sometimes prefer to be alone rather being with someone and ending up hurting them.

4. I don’t have the boldness to speak out what I think. It leaves me being a stupid all my life.

5. I don’t have the ability to take a decision that is supported by at least few. Or the ability to convince people to accept my decisions.

6. I don’t have an exact idea of how many people love’s me and how many don’t. 

7. I don’t have a job or a clear career prospect as of now.

8. I don’t have any savings of my own. Though money and other materialistic things can be earned or not earned which doesn’t concerns me much, I still need to save a lot of money to fulfill my goal.

9. I don’t have a group of friends to hang out with or understanding relatives to share my thoughts with or spend some family time. I find everyone looking for something to get for themselves which makes me stay away from most of them.

10. I haven’t made my mother proud of me even once in her lifetime and instead I have let her down a lot.

11. I don’t have the confidence or positive attitude just like people refer to me as ‘a girl of negative thoughts’.

12. I don’t have a proper place to sit in silence for hours or cry out loud to vent out my feelings which makes me feel more stressed out. 

13. Finally,  I don’t have trust on people even if they are trying to be nice due to the insecured thoughts which doesn’t allow me to love people anymore the way I used to do in my early life. Just because of few bad experiences.

So the have not’s have exceeded the count of the have’s as usual 😉

But from this new year eve I have tried to make few changes to myself which may be seen by the next year. Until then let me not keep on speak over the have not’s in which few can be changed too 🙂

With this post what I meant to say is, I haven’t done anything to celebrate my silver jubilee for my birthday and it’s going to be just another passing day of my life.

No celebration. No parties. No treats. :-p

But ready to accept all your heartfelt wishes on this 25th birthday 🙂

Solitude

I was heavily drenched with sweat all over my body when i woke up. It was unusal of me getting dreams and on recent days am getting encountered with nightmares. Not knowing the exact reason, of the entirely different place am staying that creeps me out during night making me feel like am trying to sleep in the middle of a forest which is filled with weird noises from various insects whose names are even not able to be identified by me by keeping me awake most of the time or the issues that am dealing in my life in the recent days that affects both my physical and mental well-being, i was lying there wide awake trying to recall the sequence of the nightmare that i was living in before few minutes. I failed in remembering asusual.

Washing away the unwanted thoughts aside, i began getting ready for college. I don’t find going to college interesting these days. I prefer staying at home and moreover i prefer staying alone at home instead of roaming around the college alone where once i used to have happier days with my so called friends. But time changes and so do people. I’ve changed a lot since the past few weeks.

Am not used to go out for shopping alone but i have discovered that in times of despair shopping that too shopping all alone by myself makes me feel good by giving me the confidence that i could atleast be able to do something on my own for my own self.

And the most difficult thing which i haven’t even given a single thought of doing all these years has taught me that its not that hard doing it. It’s going to the college cafeteria or some restaurant alone to fill my hungrystomach. In the beginning it was too hard even to chew the food and thus i forced myself in swallowing it. But as days passed by i found there’s no big offense in taking time to chew the food trying to enjoy the simple taste and aroma of it and also watching the people around you and not minding the unusual stares of some known people who doesn’t have a clue of me being alone.

I have recently completed reading “The Forty Rules of Love” by Elif Shafak. I took hardly around 3 full months to complete this book. Not because i was not interested in this book or its contents but i was not having concentration in whatever i do and thus it kept me dragging and atlast i have completed the book last week. I am thankful to my friend who insisted me to read this book. If it has not been insisted, i might have missed one of the biggest fortune in my life.

Yeah. This book is actually a fortune for a person like me who is easily broken with every single downfall that life offers. But once with the completion of the book i was spellbound and i was able to associate myself and the various situations of my life with the Forty Rules that is given by Shams of Tabriz. With my current situation i would like to associate myself with the sixth rule of Shams.

“Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you”

The slightest changes of my life happens whenever i read each inspiring book. With this book and with the rules of shams i have been trying to keep myself in solitude instead of being merely lonely. And eventually according to Shams its better to find a person who will be your mirror, i guess i haven’t found anyone yet who is like my mirror and also seeking such qualities in a person seems to be a lot easier said than done according to me. Who knows? Even this thought of me might get changed when i come accross such a person where i can truely see myself in his/her heart. For now, with a very few good, supporting and lovable people around me i’m trying to enjoy my solitude instead of frowning over the unpleasant happenings with the people i loved.

I would like to end up this post with Shams seventh rule.

“Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied”

Though am not a Sufi i could simply be thankful as a human being. And thanks to Elif Shafak for giving out such an excellent work which inspires people like me to get to know the legends like Rumi and Shams and learning a lot by travelling along their path.

Happy solitude!!!

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Perfect year of an imperfectionist!!!

It was 6.00A.M when I woke up. I found my mom waiting for breakfast already. She had a fracture in the right hand once again before a week and from then I’ve taken up the responsibility of my house. I finished doing the breakfast and fed her and started preparing for lunch. After some solid 4 hours I have completed with my works and returned to my room a bit tired. I am not used to such a lifestyle. I am a perfect example for an imperfect girl!

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Yeah!

It’s been years since I’ve seen crack of dawn. I doze behind schedule as a rule. I am a slow-person you can call me lazy otherwise. I don’t have healthy eating habits. I am plump. I don’t dress well. I don’t take care of myself for good. I walk wobbly. I don’t study well. I’m not in the pink. I hate taking up responsibilities in households. I mess with my relationships. I speak rubbish. I don’t have long-lasting friends. I easily forget, dodge and hurt people. I suck at decision making. I’ve lost track of my career wondering over a pond of unbosoming flowers. I haven’t made my mother proud. A good number of guy’s hate me and so do a lot of girls and the reason is by and large known and hardly unknown too. I act weird more often than not. I am left good to stay alone. I am a spoiled kid now and then.

As like every other year, 2013 started with a new set of resolutions that are to be listed in not-to-be-overlooked-again-list. I had lost interest doing my course as I found the institution less worthy and so are the people around me. The month of February welcomed me with a series of unexpected events making me collapse. Losing 26k with my recklessness, following with my mom’s wrist fracture and relationship issues led me to a hell-lot-of-stress for more than 6months. I was losing faith in my life. I thought that 2013 hold up so much grudge over me and I was unsure of how long I could hold on to the last loop that binds me to the body and soul. The humans are uncertain about what the future beholds. Being a slow-on-the-uptake-person I was facing ups and downs every day. One day ends up serene while the other dawns skeptically ominous.

 But then things started taking good turns. There came few people like the arch-angels in the name of friends and brother. I was encouraged and helped out in making decisions. I shifted places. My days were getting better. I felt happy and blessed. I gained and lost people. I earned and broke trust. I was loved and being hated. But whatever happened I found myself turned out to be in high spirits. I didn’t regret anything and for anyone. I’ve been trying to start my quest of life. I am working on fulfilling my wishes.

Coming to the end of the year, I take this opportunity to thank every single person who made a huge impact over my life both in good and bad terms. I thank you for various experiences that make me a better person day after day.

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I don’t predict future because my life has never been with a bed of roses and instead it was the thorn that pricks me whenever I tried to have the rose finally leaving me few petals on the struggle. So the perfect year 2013 comes to a perfect end for the imperfect girl. Looking forward for more thorns and roses.

Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year!!!

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Heart wrecked!

I was reading a story in which the male lead was presenting a gold chain with a pendant which the female lead was craving to have it for such a long time. The writer of that story has narrated the happiness that female lead was enjoying that time and that gave me a nostalgic feeling though.

My mind raced back a year before where I stood in front of him with a kind of volcanic eruptions inside my mind and heart thumping over to my feet with  feeling of numbness taking over my whole body. That was the day I was bought to this world, and each year would be a happier one, unlike that day. Yeah. It was the day when my heart broke into infinity pieces which I felt so hard to gather it to its bits and pieces and yet searching for the missed ones.

I was an easy going girl with no worries surrounded with beautiful family and loving friends. I never had thought of such a day where I would be betrayed by my own so called best-friend, Kevin. I and Kevin were friends for around 4 years and he was my best buddy with whom I share each and every moment whether it’s better or bitter. But he being such an insane guy who was obsessed and possessive over me made up stories about us into relationship knowing that I never had thought of him in such a way. This made me heartbroken and I never again dared to trust a guy anymore.

And after the break up of our so-called-relationship, here I stand in front of him after 4 long months with nostalgic feelings erupting inside my heart.

Sherly please wait up for a sec!”

Whats your problem kevin?”

Sherly. Just relax. I know I am such a jerk and you wont ever forgive me. But please remember that its your birthday today. Have you erased the good old memories and fun we had together in the past years?”

Look Kevin. I am not a retard. I do remember everything and which is the only reason I still stand here speaking up to you though I like it or not” I busted out outrageously onto him.

Hmmm think your still in a high rage with my behavior. But you know what? I don’t feel guilty for it and I just wanted it to be true with us into a relationship Sherly. I felt as if you were onto a part of my life and I couldn’t even imagine a world of mine without you in it

That’s right. I know you wouldn’t be guilty forever. You can have all kind of imaginations as its your sole freedom. But who ought you the right to gamble my life with a fake correlation among our college mates

I don’t think it’s a fake one. I felt it true with my heart full of love for you. Please don’t avoid me Sherly

What? You don’t think it’s a fake one? It doesn’t mean that we are into a relationship with you thinking so. If you are true onto your love why haven’t you had the guts to say me instead of spreading rumors like a coward?” the words came out fierce from me and I didn’t have a control over my mind, heart or my tongue afterall.

Sherly I have not come here to argue with you. And I also knew that you wouldn’t understand my love. But am sure that one day you will come back to me with your heart full of love. But am now here to wish you A Very Happy Birthday

God! You are so insane. I don’t need your wishes. Just leave me alone Kevin” saying so I started walking back to my home from the terminals.

Suddenly he held my hand tight not letting me go from him with a raised voice “Wait up Sherly!”

That’s it. I couldn’t take it. The people around begun staring at us who made me feel awkward. “Leave me Kevin. Please. People out there are staring at us. Don’t create a scene

No. I need you to listen to me. I just came here to wish you and offer you my present. Just take it Sherly. I mean it

I don’t need anything Kevin. I would be happy if you let my hands off now

No Sherly. I can’t. Just open it up and see what’s waiting for you in there. And I bet you wont speak up like this any longer

Am not fascinated for any of your presents Kevin. All I expected from you is the true friendship and trust within us. It all ended up right there when I found your betrayal to the one you loved

I didn’t betray you. What’s that for now? Let me say it myself. It’s a Gold chain with the beautiful pendant which you once loved to buy on our shopping. I specially bought it for you hoping that you would be pleased Sherly. Just open it and see. Your anger might flew away in no time

Hey Kevin. Say you what. You are not sure about what you are upto and you just don’t have a damn idea about love. You have a mere fatal attraction towards me and please don’t define it as love. Love doesn’t come over presenting a gold pendant. That doesn’t prove your love. It proves your male-chauvinism. Do you think I’ll forgive you for everything you’ve done me for the sake of this gold jewel. You are in the wrong place with a wrong attitude. Mind yourself. Am just ashamed of being your friend for the past 4 years. I don’t need a person who values me with a gold jewel but I really love the one who cares me with the trust and love. No matter what you do in your life, be true to the one you love and sure you’ll be loved in return. I am no more in your sick life and goodbye once for all to you and your damn jewel” saying so I flipped my hands from him ferociously and started walking back towards my house.

After a year of this confrontation when I get to remember this incident I still have a nostalgic feeling over it and my heart weighs a lot more than usual and tear drops fall off my eyes thinking of the day I broke up with my so-called-best-friend. And never I can hate him and still love him for no reason with those lost bits and pieces of my heart as a good old Friend.

“A relationship doesn’t always need to be treasured with precious possessions but what matters is a beautiful heart which values people and their love. “

Invention of Love !

Have we thought of how LOVE was been invented to this world??? Though we start loving from the time we take in our first breath to this world we are not aware of the term LOVE as a separate feeling to be learned about. Its inborn naturally for each and every living beings right from the birds, animals to humans. Titled as Invention of Love i was eagerly waiting thinking they might actually say about the Birth of Love which is kinda stupid but when i saw this i really felt and identified what the real Love is 🙂

When i found this short film on Love i was totally moved. I really loved this film as it clearly portrays the exact place and people for Love and to love and to be Loved a simple heart with tenderness is more than enough than the high technological inventions and high status lives. It just portrays a love between a person from the mechanical world and a natural world. The way the two hearts are bonded with love and the unrealistic world which takes off the life of the girl makes us have a nostalgic feeling towards this modern day love affairs which is similar to that mechanical world with less of feelings and more of technology which takes off the love from its roots.

Friends! Do watch this! 🙂 🙂 🙂