Life

Life’s surprises!

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Life is always filled with magic’s and surprises as we used to read in fairy tales. Be it a positive or a negative turn, it takes us by surprise on every single turn. Life is relentlessly unpredictable.

There were times when people used to say some things to me like:

“Don’t you even know how to address someone in English? Shame on you being a Josephite”

“What are you reading? Study your academics. These fairy tales wouldn’t feed you in future”

“What are you scribbling all over your notebook? Do you really call them poems huh? What a waste of time. Do something worthy instead”

“Getting education in a convent is not just enough. You must learn to read, write and speak in English fluently. Hope your mother is wasting money on you”

“Hey, what do you know about a computer? Do not touch it. Just watch me work”

“Why the hell are you wasting money over such useless things? Who’s gonna see all these things you do? Just clear the room and don’t dare to spend money over such things again”

“Ahh… Don’t take your Digi cam. It irritates us to see you roll over the road clicking pictures random”

I was not an intelligent student during my school days and let’s say it even now. Being an average student in my academics, I have various other interests from my childhood such as reading, writing, crafting and photographing. But things just don’t go well with a girl growing from a small town where grades are the only identity of an individual during his/her school days. And obviously I was such a loser in boosting my identity among my society. Seeing my mother worried about my so-called identity aspect among the neighbors and relatives, I have to get back onto the track running for grades and on its way I was forced to leave behind my interests and passion.

As I have mentioned earlier, Life is always filled with magic’s and surprises and also life is unpredictable. I do realize it and am actually experiencing it for the past few years. After completing my MBA, I began working as a Content Writer which actually an unexpected career given by my organization with their confidence on my writing skills. That was when I discovered that I still have the ability to write and someone actually like what I write and thus started developing my interest in writing.

Being a Customer Relationship Coordinator as well, I had to speak with clients from domestic and international, which is where I found I don’t actually suck communicating in English.

I was also asked to write hundreds of business E-Mails for the same person who said me not to touch the computer as I was bullied of not knowing even how to switch on the monitor. And now, I have been asked for help with all kind of technological gadgets for them.

Seeing me do some good craft works even made my mother say that am not actually wasting money over those things.

And finally, I am being positively commented for my photographs by the same people and the best part is though am just a beginner in photography, there are people who ask me for suggestions and tips which leaves me bewildered.

As far as I am concerned, I might not be an expert on all the above things, but still am not a dumb-ass just like the others portrayed me on their minds earlier. I may not be successful in choosing a better career that offers me lakhs but still I love what am doing and I would continue learning and developing my interests into an enduring passion.

I simply think, my passion for these things make me feel lively and evident in this planet.

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Celebrating the silver jubilee of my birthday!

Hiya guys!

You could have guessed what this post is all about.  Yes. It’s just 6 more days to go for me to turn 26years. So it’s a post for summarizing the whole 25 years of my life on this earth.

Just before few hours I received a text from a friend of mine telling me to treat him for I am going to celebrate the successful completion of my 25 years.  Haha yeah I should actually do that by throwing a party but I don’t know what could I probably choose to tell as a reason for celebration.

Should I say that I have achieved something?  Nah. That would be a big fat lie.
Or should I say that I have at least made something remarkable for someone to remember me? Hmm yeah maybe.  But I bet that’s not gonna be in a positive way either.

So that is what hinders me from celebrating my birthdays be it 25th or whatever.  But after thinking over these I started making a list of the have’s and have not’s of mine after all these successful 25years. Let me just list down those for you 🙂

HAVE’S:

1. I do have few people around me who I think really cares about me at least to say “I Love You” whether they really mean it or not.

2. I now have a life of my own to decide upon like how am going to live.

3. I have some courage to face the problems however tougher it maybe by still surviving.

4. I have a DSLR, which is keeping me feel lively with its help in making me take better pictures and to make people notice me.

5. I have a big deal of confidence that am not gonna die sooner leaving me no choice than to make my living with some career which I haven’t chosen yet.

6. I have few books which makes me think and make few changes to my thoughts about everything in and around me. I learn something from each book I read and the question is do I follow it. But for that I’ll have to write another post which can be done later 😉

7. I do have a passion for crafting and writing which is yet to be improvised a lot.

So as far my analysis I have o ly these 7 important things in my life.  So let’s look for the have not’s.

HAVE NOT’S:

1. I don’t have my father with me which is my biggest loss of my life and am still working on it to set everything right without his help, but the truth hits hard sometimes by proving that I need help from my father.  But lets never mind because that’s not gonna happen anyhow.

2. I don’t have a guide to lead me, which is why I go wrong making mistakes over and over all my life.

3. I don’t have a good rapport with the people who actually love’s me. Somehow I mess things up, though how hard I try to retain a relationship I end up breaking it myself. I sometimes prefer to be alone rather being with someone and ending up hurting them.

4. I don’t have the boldness to speak out what I think. It leaves me being a stupid all my life.

5. I don’t have the ability to take a decision that is supported by at least few. Or the ability to convince people to accept my decisions.

6. I don’t have an exact idea of how many people love’s me and how many don’t. 

7. I don’t have a job or a clear career prospect as of now.

8. I don’t have any savings of my own. Though money and other materialistic things can be earned or not earned which doesn’t concerns me much, I still need to save a lot of money to fulfill my goal.

9. I don’t have a group of friends to hang out with or understanding relatives to share my thoughts with or spend some family time. I find everyone looking for something to get for themselves which makes me stay away from most of them.

10. I haven’t made my mother proud of me even once in her lifetime and instead I have let her down a lot.

11. I don’t have the confidence or positive attitude just like people refer to me as ‘a girl of negative thoughts’.

12. I don’t have a proper place to sit in silence for hours or cry out loud to vent out my feelings which makes me feel more stressed out. 

13. Finally,  I don’t have trust on people even if they are trying to be nice due to the insecured thoughts which doesn’t allow me to love people anymore the way I used to do in my early life. Just because of few bad experiences.

So the have not’s have exceeded the count of the have’s as usual 😉

But from this new year eve I have tried to make few changes to myself which may be seen by the next year. Until then let me not keep on speak over the have not’s in which few can be changed too 🙂

With this post what I meant to say is, I haven’t done anything to celebrate my silver jubilee for my birthday and it’s going to be just another passing day of my life.

No celebration. No parties. No treats. :-p

But ready to accept all your heartfelt wishes on this 25th birthday 🙂

Solitude

I was heavily drenched with sweat all over my body when i woke up. It was unusal of me getting dreams and on recent days am getting encountered with nightmares. Not knowing the exact reason, of the entirely different place am staying that creeps me out during night making me feel like am trying to sleep in the middle of a forest which is filled with weird noises from various insects whose names are even not able to be identified by me by keeping me awake most of the time or the issues that am dealing in my life in the recent days that affects both my physical and mental well-being, i was lying there wide awake trying to recall the sequence of the nightmare that i was living in before few minutes. I failed in remembering asusual.

Washing away the unwanted thoughts aside, i began getting ready for college. I don’t find going to college interesting these days. I prefer staying at home and moreover i prefer staying alone at home instead of roaming around the college alone where once i used to have happier days with my so called friends. But time changes and so do people. I’ve changed a lot since the past few weeks.

Am not used to go out for shopping alone but i have discovered that in times of despair shopping that too shopping all alone by myself makes me feel good by giving me the confidence that i could atleast be able to do something on my own for my own self.

And the most difficult thing which i haven’t even given a single thought of doing all these years has taught me that its not that hard doing it. It’s going to the college cafeteria or some restaurant alone to fill my hungrystomach. In the beginning it was too hard even to chew the food and thus i forced myself in swallowing it. But as days passed by i found there’s no big offense in taking time to chew the food trying to enjoy the simple taste and aroma of it and also watching the people around you and not minding the unusual stares of some known people who doesn’t have a clue of me being alone.

I have recently completed reading “The Forty Rules of Love” by Elif Shafak. I took hardly around 3 full months to complete this book. Not because i was not interested in this book or its contents but i was not having concentration in whatever i do and thus it kept me dragging and atlast i have completed the book last week. I am thankful to my friend who insisted me to read this book. If it has not been insisted, i might have missed one of the biggest fortune in my life.

Yeah. This book is actually a fortune for a person like me who is easily broken with every single downfall that life offers. But once with the completion of the book i was spellbound and i was able to associate myself and the various situations of my life with the Forty Rules that is given by Shams of Tabriz. With my current situation i would like to associate myself with the sixth rule of Shams.

“Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is the best to find a person who will be your mirror. Remember only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you”

The slightest changes of my life happens whenever i read each inspiring book. With this book and with the rules of shams i have been trying to keep myself in solitude instead of being merely lonely. And eventually according to Shams its better to find a person who will be your mirror, i guess i haven’t found anyone yet who is like my mirror and also seeking such qualities in a person seems to be a lot easier said than done according to me. Who knows? Even this thought of me might get changed when i come accross such a person where i can truely see myself in his/her heart. For now, with a very few good, supporting and lovable people around me i’m trying to enjoy my solitude instead of frowning over the unpleasant happenings with the people i loved.

I would like to end up this post with Shams seventh rule.

“Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied”

Though am not a Sufi i could simply be thankful as a human being. And thanks to Elif Shafak for giving out such an excellent work which inspires people like me to get to know the legends like Rumi and Shams and learning a lot by travelling along their path.

Happy solitude!!!

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Perfect year of an imperfectionist!!!

It was 6.00A.M when I woke up. I found my mom waiting for breakfast already. She had a fracture in the right hand once again before a week and from then I’ve taken up the responsibility of my house. I finished doing the breakfast and fed her and started preparing for lunch. After some solid 4 hours I have completed with my works and returned to my room a bit tired. I am not used to such a lifestyle. I am a perfect example for an imperfect girl!

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Yeah!

It’s been years since I’ve seen crack of dawn. I doze behind schedule as a rule. I am a slow-person you can call me lazy otherwise. I don’t have healthy eating habits. I am plump. I don’t dress well. I don’t take care of myself for good. I walk wobbly. I don’t study well. I’m not in the pink. I hate taking up responsibilities in households. I mess with my relationships. I speak rubbish. I don’t have long-lasting friends. I easily forget, dodge and hurt people. I suck at decision making. I’ve lost track of my career wondering over a pond of unbosoming flowers. I haven’t made my mother proud. A good number of guy’s hate me and so do a lot of girls and the reason is by and large known and hardly unknown too. I act weird more often than not. I am left good to stay alone. I am a spoiled kid now and then.

As like every other year, 2013 started with a new set of resolutions that are to be listed in not-to-be-overlooked-again-list. I had lost interest doing my course as I found the institution less worthy and so are the people around me. The month of February welcomed me with a series of unexpected events making me collapse. Losing 26k with my recklessness, following with my mom’s wrist fracture and relationship issues led me to a hell-lot-of-stress for more than 6months. I was losing faith in my life. I thought that 2013 hold up so much grudge over me and I was unsure of how long I could hold on to the last loop that binds me to the body and soul. The humans are uncertain about what the future beholds. Being a slow-on-the-uptake-person I was facing ups and downs every day. One day ends up serene while the other dawns skeptically ominous.

 But then things started taking good turns. There came few people like the arch-angels in the name of friends and brother. I was encouraged and helped out in making decisions. I shifted places. My days were getting better. I felt happy and blessed. I gained and lost people. I earned and broke trust. I was loved and being hated. But whatever happened I found myself turned out to be in high spirits. I didn’t regret anything and for anyone. I’ve been trying to start my quest of life. I am working on fulfilling my wishes.

Coming to the end of the year, I take this opportunity to thank every single person who made a huge impact over my life both in good and bad terms. I thank you for various experiences that make me a better person day after day.

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I don’t predict future because my life has never been with a bed of roses and instead it was the thorn that pricks me whenever I tried to have the rose finally leaving me few petals on the struggle. So the perfect year 2013 comes to a perfect end for the imperfect girl. Looking forward for more thorns and roses.

Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year!!!

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An act!!!

I stepped out of my apartment gate and the sun blazed into my eyes making me literally blind for a few seconds. Ahhh… Chennai and its weather! I shrugged. I managed to keep my eyes open and started walking towards the near by super market which i have noticed on my way home yesterday evening.

As i entered the super market i could find the cold air caressing my body and i felt heavenly that very instance. It was a big and spacious supermarket with seperate depatrments for all the items that has been neatly displayed. I went straight into the groceries department and started filling my trolly with the grocery items. After a solid half-an-hour i was finished up with the groceries and wheeled the trolly for billing where a huge queue was waiting and i joined them.

While i was waiting, i heared someone calling my name and i turned over to my back to check who it was. There i found Johnson standing with his hands crossed accross his chest and a smile that lingered over his lips. I was shell-shocked. I haven’t thought i would meet him again after 5 long years.

“Hey Anu! How have you been all these years? Hope you remember me?”

“Johnson! Hey… I do remember you well and it isnt that easy to forget a person like you actually. And i am damn good. You could see it by yourself”

“Yeah i can”

“And by the way what are you doing up here in a supermarket? You live nearby?”

“Hmmm i live in Shenoy nagar as my kid’s school is over there and i own this supermarket. Just came for a short visit to check on things. Have you finished with your purchase?”

“Yeah, waiting for billing. And that’s great to know its your supermarket. I recently shifted to my new apartment in the next street and so i didnt get know about it. By the way, am sorry about your wife, i heard it from our friends. How’s your kid? What’s his name?”

“That’s okay Anu. We have been much better in the recent days. His name is Danny and he’s is fine too. I have to pick him from school in few minutes. I need to rush. Sorry i couldn’t speak much and its nice meeting you after all these years. Keep in touch. Here, have my card.”

“The pleasure is mine Johnson. Take care both of you. I’ll call you soon. Drop by my apartment when you are free and dont forget to bring Danny. “

“Sure, i will Anu. Bye-bye”

“See you soon”

I watched Johnson rushing towards the parking and pulling out his Volkswogan and racing it towards the road. There i stand in dead-silence after that brief conversation with Johnson. I didnt know what was i feeling right that moment. Am i sad for his current situation or happy for meeting him after some long years or surprised to see him being so kind or shocked to find himself changed into a new person whom i havent seen back then when i was doing my graduation with him. I didnt actually know.

My mind raced back to my memory lane fetching few memories of Johnson during my college days. Johnson was like the hero of our college back then. He was 6 feet tall with an athletic body and had an attractive profile for which the girls went crazy over him. He had sharp eyes which would pass through you which will be filled with self-confidence and it makes people have a high regard for him. Usually when he enters the college, right from the watchman to the Principal would treat him with respect though he never cared about it much. He was always found with a cigar in his lips outside the campus and i used to think that smoking makes men look mannish especially when it comes to a person like Johnson.

He rarely visits the classrooms and he was always found with a group of followers who follow where ever he moves around the college. He used to organize all the events in the college with such an ease. He is well known among various colleges for his extra-curricular activities, as he is a writer, orator and a dancer, by winning various trophy’s for the college on his behalf. Though he never attends any theory classes he still managed to get through the exams.

After my completion of graduation, i got the invitation for his marriage which I was not able to attend due to my change of work place. It was an arranged marriage by his family with some girl from some village. I was puzzled how he was able to stay away from the cluster of girls who were fascinated and completely in mesmerized in love for him and marry a girl from a village of his parents choice. I thought that was the kind of respect he had for his family and that made him stand away from usual guys who take up the available chances of messing up with girls during college days. After 2 years a mutual friend of ours delivered a news that his wife was expired in a car accident leaving back the new born boy child. I felt sad for his situation.

Its been 2 years i have heard about him. And here i stand after seeing him all changed. He has become so lean and he is growing beard which makes him look older than his age. He seems so calm and his voice is soft and his eyes filled with an unsaid pain. I thought he would have opted for a second marriage having a little kid, which most of the men in our society does. But i am surprised to see him taking care of his son all by himself and he doesnt complain over that and instead he seem to be happy doing this. I was totally lost in my thoughts about Johnson when i heared the guy in the counter calling for billing my things.

I billed and paid the amount and started back home. I realized that i was left with a heavy heart that evening. I had a thought that men look into their own happiness and get themselves married to another women once their first wife expired leaving back a small kid. And mostly the kids fall to be the reason for men getting married. Johnson proved to be different right from the day i met him in my college till this second leaving me speechless with his acts.

I believe Danny would have a happy life with his father Johnson. *Sigh*